Walking With Christ

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.(ESV)

I have always had the problem of speaking my mind. I have no filter to speak of and if I’m thinking it then people get to hear it. It’s cost me a lot. I’ve lost friends, family, jobs, raises, promotions, and other opportunities. When I tell people that I’m blunt, most people just laugh and say that they are, too. Then I start talking. I don’t take the time to wrap my thoughts together into a nice package that most people can easily digest. It’s raw and unfiltered. It comes from family history. In one family, one had to learn to speak quickly and concisely to defuse dangerous situations that were nearly a constant. In the other family, flowery speech was considered a waste of time and taking the time to package a thought was a sign of manipulation. My communication style quickly sacrifices emotional considerations for the sake of time or efficiency. That quickly causes people to take offense because my responses can be far more terse than truly intended. When I speak, I don’t take the time to scrub my own emotional response which causes me to seem extremely passionate when talking. This is great for story telling or oration because it evokes a like emotional response in the listener. It’s terrible for communication for the same reason. It’s great for entertainment. It’s bad for business.

It’s exceedingly rare that my intention is to offend people. I don’t believe that setting out to offend is helpful in any dialog. Intended or not, I still owe an apology to anyone who has been offended by my speech or communication style, choice of words, or tone, and sincerely ask for forgiveness for it. It takes a fair amount of time to filter and translate many of my responses into something that will be received well. Frankly, most of the time, I simply don’t take the time. I’m well aware of my communication shortfalls. It’s far too easy to slip back into old habits and patterns.

Recently, I’ve started trying to stay quiet in those times when emotion is involved in the response. I tend to lean more towards the written word for information sharing because emotion is far more difficult to impart through the written word. I prefer to remain quiet in conversations to let the other person speak. Some consider this to be a bit more rude, but I’m not sure I can explain, in depth, the need for silence in many situations. If I don’t think I can make the situation better then I’d prefer to remain quiet. If I don’t think I’ll be heard then quiet is better. If I don’t think I can properly explain my point of view then silence is better than offense.

Ecclesiastes 5:3 For a dream comes with much business, and a fool’s voice with many words.(ESV)

I find that most people who ask for advice aren’t looking for advice, but rather, are looking for confirmation that they are right. Any disagreement marks me as either a fool, a liar, or an enemy. In any case, I’m no longer to be trusted because I couldn’t see their point.

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.(ESV)

The hardest part in those situations is determining who the fool is. Is it them for only wanting validation so that they can continue on the path they chose, or is it me for opening my mouth when silence was the better option?

James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; (20)for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.(ESV)

When Jesus began His ministry He had the benefit of the holy spirit and supernatural knowledge. This enabled Him to know the heart of the person He was dealing with. He could make cutting statements to those who were hard of heart or ask leading questions to those who were broken or afraid. He could see the problem in truth. He knew the obstacles between them and truth. He could lead them to, or at least show them, the path back to truth. Unfortunately, even He could not force them to walk that path.

I find that I often lack that level of insight and wisdom that Christ had when talking with people. For me, asking questions based on what the person said seems to be the best way of helping them. It makes them think about the answer to help me understand their situation better. Doing this often leads them to seeing the problem with their argument. If nothing else, it plants the seeds that will help them move in the right direction without the risk of seeing me as the enemy. Questions come framed with the idea that I’m trying to understand their situation and they take the role of the helper that guides me to their point of view. If they can successfully guide me to seeing their point through the questions I ask, then their point is valid and I am left with a full understanding of how they came to that perspective. If they can’t guide me to their perspective then we become partners in finding the path or flaws in logic. I become a partner rather than an adversary that is trying to prevent them from succeeding.

I think that is part of what it means to come along side of others. Guide them by having them guide you. If a person wants to learn something then they have to be able to teach it. If they can’t teach it to someone else then they don’t truly know it. If they truly know it then they will see the nuance of it enough to know that they have just begun to learn it.